“You Seem Awfully Happy For Someone Who Has Cancer”
~A quote from my radiation therapist
This part wasn’t terribly hard for me. I am naturally a happy person. I have spent years learning how to guide my emotions based on facts, reasoning and logic instead of letting my emotions be controlled by a situation or event. Some things are more challenging than others, but having emotional control is a tremendous benefit to my mental health in situations like this. I didn’t want to be sad or scared. Of course I was, briefly. Cancer is very scary and not knowing what was ahead of me was terrifying. But being able to surrender to the circumstances that I had no control of and embrace the challenges ahead of me made it much easier to bear. As did the reassurance from my doctor that I was going to be “just fine.” Many things in life we have no control of, however, we DO have control of how we respond to it.
Although this might be a different conversation if I was told it was terminal. Thank God that didn’t happen! If my time is limited or almost up I don’t want to know!
I wish fear and depression didn’t have the power to keep people as emotional prisoners. Of course if I’m wishing for things I wish cancer didn’t exist. Or at the very least I wish for a cure, for all cancers! But personally I’m closer to being able to control my own emotions than I am to finding a cure for cancer. <spoiler alert: I’m not a medical scientist so my chances of finding a cure for cancer is like, well, zero!>
For some it’s not as easy as being a choice. But I knew I didn’t want to live life being scared or unhappy about my diagnosis and I made that choice. No matter what my future held with this I knew I was doing everything I could to fight for the best outcome and I had the ability to let go of what I couldn’t control. One thing I could control and needed to control was the gateway to what I let in emotionally and mentally.
To this day, a year after my chemo, I still won’t look up survival rates or statistics. I don’t want to know.
I am still sensitive to watching a movie with a dying cancer patient or hearing stories or news of someone who died from breast cancer. Its too close, its too personal, its too overwhelming.
I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing what I’m told by my doctors, I’m monitoring my health, but I have to keep myself in a “safe zone” mentally and emotionally to not live in fear or worry when I don’t have to. Mental health is tricky but very important. Having the ability to control your mental health by setting boundaries with others (and yourself) is essential. Know your limits and let others know what they are as well.
Being Supportive While Needing Support
One thing that was challenging was being my kid’s emotional support while being the one that needed support in the first place. Its hard to hit bottom yet remain strong enough to guide others through it at the same time. I remember what it felt like being a teenager when my mom had cancer. I knew how much my kids needed support and reassurance through one of the scariest things they’ve encountered.
Being on the opposite ends of strong and weak at the same time is tricky!
Confident Or Insecure?
This one I still haven’t figured out yet.
Women get reconstruction after a mastectomy to maintain their femininity and feel like a woman. Trying to get back a part of their body that they lost to cancer. Yet, as my life has found me single again by the end of my treatment I find myself unsure about going forward. Feeling like missing that part of me is a big deal yet trying to see the big picture reentering the dating world and not letting it be a big deal. If it wasn’t a big deal then why did I do it or feel I needed it? And if it was a big deal to me how can I judge someone else for it being a big deal to him?
If and when I find answers to this I’ll have to come back and update this. I’m not there yet!
Of course there’s always inappropriate doctors to lighten the mood and make me laugh:
Me (referring to my changed body and scars): How many men am I going to scare away when they see this?
Radiation Oncologist: Well, you’re not dating 18 year olds! Wait, that’s an assumption, I shouldn’t assume things! Eh, just start with the lights off and let them feel their way around!
Me: (sarcastically) Thanks, that was helpful! haha
What About A Support Group?
I thought about a support group a couple times, but not for long. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had to get myself through the hard stuff emotionally so I knew I could, but a lot of it was not wanting to hear other people’s stories that would make me nervous or scared when I currently wasn’t. If I was already in a reasonable head space and managing my emotions, content and comfortable, I really didn’t want to jeopardize that, this situation is delicate, so I was really careful of the information I let in. If I wasn’t in a good place and needed outside support I probably would have felt differently about it.
What helped me the most was having one friend with the same diagnosis, who went through the same treatment one year ahead of me who I could ask questions and see what an inspiration she was. “If she can do it and finish with a smile on her face, I can too.” So essentially my “support group” was one person that I let in for questions and comfort and that was enough.
Even if someone else’s story didn’t match up with mine and shouldn’t have given me cause to worry, hearing other peoples cancer stories at that time hit too close to home and made me incredibly sad. I’m usually everyone else’s support, but through this I needed to do what was right for me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This meant distancing myself from certain things even when other’s might have found them comforting. It’s incredibly helpful and important to know yourself and what you need (or don’t) to get through.